2015 was a year of change. I changed my school. I took up Science for my higher studies. In fact, I'm one of those bravehearts who took a combination of 4 subjects: Physics, Chemistry, Mathematics and Biology. I had scored pretty good in my 10th board examinations and naturally, everyone around me said that I'd be good to go if I took up Science. Being the daughter who didn't want to disappoint my parents, I obliged. I didn't get admission in the top schools in the town because I was 4% short of the cut off (which was obviously 90%) but I was at peace. It couldn't be that bad, could it? I was an optimistic person, after all. All of a sudden I found myself in a coaching centre, apparently preparing for a career in medicine. If only things could be so easy!
One year of coaching later, I realized I sucked at Maths and Physics big time and the minimum knowledge of Biology I had, wouldn't let me pass my entrances. I was shit scared. My father, now a retired man, had put a lot of money in getting me into the best coaching centre. Apart from that, he also took up the pains of taking me to all my other tuition classes. How could I tell that man that I didn't like the profession he was pushing me into. And also, it would have taken me years to clear those entrances. I decided a career in Medicine wasn't made for me but I had to keep that decision to myself.
I continued my relationship with the guy. We're in the same school and maintaining contact wasn't tough. We made sure that we remained in touch through social media platforms and also in person. It was difficult because our parents kept a close eye over us at all times but I was a die hard romantic. I knew that determination would get me to my goal.
It was soon time for me to apply for various colleges. By this time, I had secretly realized my love for reading and writing. All those boring lectures in my coaching centre were made bearable by the books I used to secretly carry with me. Sitting on the last bench, I enjoyed my time with novels. Life was good until it was time for me to appear in the entrance examinations for getting admission in a good medical college.
Now, here I should mention the relation I had with Banaras (Varanasi). My father hails from this holy city. He was born and raised there. Hence, my family has a lot of scholars who graduated from the prestigious Banaras Hindu University. My uncle (Father's elder brother) was a gold medalist from the Geology department and my cousin (My paternal aunt's daughter) had received a scholarship for her PhD abroad. So, BHU, for me, was a magical place; a place I could only imagine about.
It was pretty clear to me that I wanted to study literature. I had found my inner calling. It told me to apply for BHU. Well, BHU was already an option for my father but only in the field of science. I didn't have the courage to tell him that I'd like to apply for the Bachelor of Arts programme as well. My mother came to my rescue here. She knew my love for the English language and she had, at times, caught me reading novels instead of the books I was supposed to read.
She insisted that I apply for the Arts programme as well. I had always been good with English in school. In fact, when people asked me what my favourite subject was, I always said that it was English. I genuinely loved the subject and the idea of having a career in the field as an educator was enticing. My father agreed because he never expected me to clear the entrance as I had no prior experience or knowledge in the field. What he didn't know was the secret preparation I did regarding the paper.
Now, one secret to clear any entrance in BHU is to literally mug up the past papers available on its website. I didn't know it then but I decided to do that because I had no other way that could help me clear the entrance. While I was supposed to prepare for my 'Plan A' which was to clear an entrance in medical, I secretly started preparing for my 'Plan B' which was to crack BHU entrance in the Bachelor of Arts programme.
When I first appeared for the examination, I was pretty sure I wouldn't get in. The questions were tough. Some questions were common but they were not enough for me to get into such a prestigious university. I was heartbroken. I decided I'd study Zoology in my city college.
But then the results came out and I had secured a pretty good rank. I couldn't believe myself. This is where my life took a turn. Obviously, good things were about to come but suddenly I realized, the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, suddenly grew unsupportive of my dreams. He wanted us to be in the same city and study together. I could understand his wish but I was hurt that he wasn't happy in my happiness that I had gotten into my dream college. That's a red flag that I should have noticed. But I was young. How was I supposed to know what are the signs of toxicity?
And so I went. I stepped foot into a new city with a bag full of dreams, unknown of what lay ahead. All around, I saw people who talked in a foreign tongue and I knew right there that it was going to be one hell of an experience. I was ready to leave my familiar surroundings; my parents; my old life. From now on, I was to be known as a hosteller and the feeling gave me goosebumps. A room of my own; a freedom to live my life on my own terms. I couldn't wait.
And then I found myself in a women's college. My God, the disappointment was evident in my eyes. From studying in co-ed schools for 14 years of my life, I was suddenly a student of Mahila Mahavidyalaya. Nice!
And the idea of having a room to myself was crushed when I realized I had to share my room with three other unfortunate souls like me. The only solace I got was the fact that my batch had enough Bengalis and that too from my city. It was a relief to talk in a familiar language in an unfamiliar place.
Soon after I started college, my relationship started going downhill. Apparently, there was a term for relationships that were maintained from across cities. I learnt the term: Long Distance Relationship. I wasn't sure of what people did in Long Distance Relationships but I wanted to learn. I wanted it to work between us. But the other person wasn't really interested. He grew excessively rude towards me. The calls got lesser and lesser and I was left devastated and unsure of what to do.
On my first vacation back home for the Durga Puja, I made sure that I met him so that we could solve things between us. But he informed me that he had started seeing someone else in the meantime. He had moved on without even informing me that our relationship was over. I didn't know what to do. I had thought that relationships were meant to last forever. I was hurt but what could I do? I had to move on because the other person had.
Surprisingly, moving on was easy. I didn't have to make a conscious effort to smile or to continue living my new life in college. I made friends and I enjoyed their company. I had also learnt later on that what I thought was a pure relationship was actually a lie. The person I trusted the most had cheated on me even when things were apparently very good between us. Hence, I didn't see any reason to hold on to a person and his memories. He became a non-one to me; someone whose name would casually come up in conversations with my friends, not affecting me in any way.
This was the time when I realized that my parents were right in the first place and I felt guilty for not listening to them. This was when I decided that I'd never hide anything from my parents and would always listen to their advice because they were the people who stayed, no matter what.
Note to readers: It's pretty long! I am incapable of describing my life's story in mere sentences. I feel that we all need to give explanations for everything. So, the next post will be about my first love. Don't be surprised. You'll know when you read it.
Thanks for investing time in my life.
:)
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