It's been four days since Taylor Swift’s 11th album (a new era, if I may say so?) came out and I haven't been able to listen to any music that is not straight from ‘The Tortured Poets Department’.
I have been going over the lyrics like a mad-woman; that's what she has turned me into - a frantic and mad woman trying to piece together her sad saga with a love she had thought would stay.
Having had my share of romances and stories worth telling, my heart goes out to her for being able to pen down such remarkably sad lyrics. As a listener, it was so agonizing, that I can't even fathom what she might have been feeling while working on the album for the past two years.
The recurrent theme of a life that could have been with motifs such as ‘a wedding that didn't happen’ and babies is the most heart-wrenching of all.
There are songs about the ‘masquerade of men’ that came after her break up with Joe Alwyn and while listening to those songs, a question popped in my mind: Why is she writing songs about Matty Healy or her other past relationships when she's actually hurting from her relationship of six years?
I would like to answer myself in this write up because I'm penning this down after listening to the last song from the Anthology ‘The Manuscript’.
In the song, she paints a picture of a woman reading the manuscript (story) of her life. She means to say that she is looking back at her life’s story and all the ‘torrid affairs’ she has had.
She begins the verse by mentioning about a certain someone; a smooth talker, to be precise who charmed her with her words that made her imagine a life where she would be happily enjoying domesticity with the person. Here, Swift reflects on the younger version of herself who wished herself older and more mature, with the imagination about making and drinking coffee (something only children see as adult). It is used as a symbol of her childish youth and her whimsies.
Her reasons for wanting to be older could be because she wanted to be taken more seriously by the older man (John Mayer or Jake Gyllenhaal) who she found herself infatuated with.
The narrative then shifts to a different time in her life when ‘she dated boys who were her own age’ and realized that her younger self was so naive and unsure about so many things. It shows a clearer perspective on relationships.
She moves on to say that as years passed, this woman understood many things and found that her coping mechanism (writing) was actually her talent because she could tell all those stories, which were once agonizing, to the world. There's a sense of freedom in these lines as Swift writes it. The woman in the song feels detached from these stories that were once part of her life; part of what she is.
Then, just like in ‘The Last Great American Dynasty’, in the last few lines, she equates this woman with herself, saying that this manuscript that she has is like a keepsake, a token of her life and when she re-reads it, she realizes that this story is not hers anymore as she has now opened it to the world, to her fans. It might also mean that she is so detached from Joe and the life she had with him that she cannot call this story her own anymore. Personally, I like the first interpretation better. It makes more sense to me somehow.
Now, coming back to the question that popped in my head, why write about a brief rebound with Healy and also about Travis Kelce and her current life in an album she wrote mostly about Joe? And for that matter, there are hints of all the major relationships she has had as well as songs for Kim Kardashian and the pre-reputation era feud.
I started to think about my life and the heartbreak that shaped my life in a tremendous way. While I was going through that turmoil of a relationship, it felt like my whole life was falling apart. It felt like I would never recover from it. I think impactful relationships where we're fully invested are unraveling like that when we know it's about to end and we can't do anything about it other than to watch it breathe its last breaths right before our eyes. You go over your whole life and all your choices and question every little thing. It's maddening, to say the least.
I think Swift might have been going through the same thing for the past two years, or maybe even more. She might have been analyzing all her past relationships and friendships and connecting those imaginary dots as her life was unraveling before her eyes. It's obviously a torturous thing to go through. And she wrote it all out in the most poetic way possible and gifted it to us.
As a former writer, I get her so well right now. I have written my most tortured poetry and musings in times of extreme pain, hoping that putting it all on paper would ease the pain. And it did. Now when I go over those writings sometimes, I revisit those painful memories but it doesn't affect me as much as it did then. I rather marvel at my writing style and how it changed from one emotion or one phase to another. Frankly, I miss it too. I wish I could write like that again. But then again, I don't think I have enough courage in me to go through another heartbreak or mental breakdown!
I would like to end this literary rant by dearly hoping that Swift is healing and trying to build a happy life with Kelce and that she has had her catharsis. I am also hoping for all other swifties out there that TTPD would help you heal, no matter which phase of grief you are in.
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